Loved and Hated Words
by AnimeFreaks13
Summary: Kyo has a hard time showing feelings. Any strong emotion scares him. He thought he hated those words. He thought he hated them.
1. Not Again

****

Chapter One

Not Again

Kyo has a hard time showing his feelings, and when he does, they scare him. He's the tough guy so any feeling of love can surprise him. Why? When he was young, all his mother said to him was "I love you." "It's alright because I love you." and he hated it. She said she was fine with what he was. But she checked him everyday. She was terrified of him, but she never said it. So Kyo didn't like those words. He was fine when Tohru said she liked him. She didn't say she loved him. He thought he hated those words.

* * *

It was Friday. Kyo was on the school roof because the cats had shown up again. "Stupid cats... Now people will think I'm a cat lover even more...DAMN IT!" he shouted and scared off the cats.

"Kyo?" Kyo froze. Not again. She was going to come up and show just how much she knew him. Not again. She did it too much lately. Not again.. He wouldn't let her think she knew him. She might say it. Not again.. not again.. Not those words.. not again..

"No.." he breathed before jumping away. Tohru climbed up, to see if he was there. But he was nowhere in sight. "Funny.. I thought I heard him yell.." She muttered before continuing to look.

Kyo had hidden behind a wide poll. He breathed a sigh of relief. "If she finds me every time, she'll think... no.. she's too ditzy. I overreacted. I didn't have to run. Now I'm just over reacting." Kyo slumped down to a sitting position. "I can't always run.." He was talking to himself and if anyone saw, it's be pretty embarrassing but he was sure that wasn't happening.

Tohru had already gone back to class. He should probably do that too. He reluctantly stood up and trudged downstairs. He was walking through the hallway when the end-of-school bell rang. He sighed and continued on his way. Usually, he would've walked home with Tohru even though that Damn Yuki was there. He would want to hold her hand and blush. He'd want to talk to her, to do anything with her. But not today.

He was immersed in the students of their school. But it was like he didn't exist. Like they could walk right through him if they wanted to. He was a rock in the ocean. No one understood him. They knew him. They hung out with him. They laughed with him. But they didn't understand him. No one did. No one. No. That was a lie. One person did. But right now.. he was afraid of that one person. And he didn't even know why. He just couldn't face her.

He wanted to be known. He wanted to be accepted. She understood him. But no... Not now.. Maybe later. But not Now.. _"I'm sorry.... I can't... No... Not now.. I'm sorry.. Tohru.. I just can't hear your voice right now."_ Kyo shut his eyes and ran down the forest path and stopped before the house. She knew he always went on the roof. He couldn't go there. He had to find a new place to hide.


	2. The Pain of Memories

****

Chapter 2

The pain of memories

Kyo had avoided Tohru for days and she was starting to feel it. She thought he hated her. In truth it was completely opposite. He loved her. But because he didn't want her to say that to him, so he wouldn't tell her. Every time he thought about her, he could hear his mothers voice. And he covered his ears and tried to forget. But he knew the only way to do that would be to erase his memories. Though he also knew that every memory, no matter how painful, mattered. And he'd probably have more than that erased at the same time.. He didn't want to forget anyone. He had to get over it like a real person.

He heard his father's accusing words. The other parents who talked like they knew something. They didn't know anything. It wasn't his fault. That's what he kept saying. He yelled it, he whispered it, he cried it. But no one listened. Then Master came. He listened. But he pretended to be someone he wasn't. And though he accepted Kyo and knew all about him. He wasn't what Kyo wanted. He knew Tohru accepted him. She'd shown that to him. But now he was scared that she'd finally say it soon.

"No..." Kyo was sitting on a rock by the lake where Tohru had saved him. He suddenly heard their voices again. They were saying it again. But instead... It was about Tohru. He'd seen her crying earlier. With Shigure. She had cried for a while. Kyo hadn't been able to stand it and had left to come here. He heard her ask if Kyo hated her. If that's why he wouldn't talk to her or make eye contact.

"He's the problem." "If he wasn't here." "If it weren't for him.." They were here again. But Master wasn't. He couldn't say it was alright anymore. "It's not.... I'm not.... not...." Kyo let out silent tears. Let them slide from under the hands that hid his face. Let them glide down his gentle cheeks and fall to the rocky ground beneath him. His heaving breaths were the only sounds. He was recovering and could hear birds chirping and slow water running in the lake. He took a few deep sighs. He couldn't go on like this. It was tearing them both up. And he couldn't take it. Constant nightmares followed him everywhere. Chanting.

He remembered at school. He was shaking and sweating because he could hear them again. Louder than ever. Tohru had put a hand on his shoulder in order to calm him. But he'd freaked and chewed her out. She'd actually cried then. It tore at him but he didn't say sorry. And that hurt him even worse.

He'd have to go see her sometime. But when, he did not know. If the voices kept coming, if he kept hearing, he didn't think he could stand it. And talking to her just so stupid voices will leave him alone didn't seem very right. Wasn't noble, brave, right, correct, anything except a way out. It would be just another way of running away.

He had to go to her and tell her how he felt. But then she'd say it.. maybe.. and what if she didn't? What if she rejected him? He didn't know which would be worse, her accepting him and saying "I love you." or her rejecting him and breaking his heart. He couldn't do it. Not now at least. Soon. But not today.


	3. Reaching Out

****

Chapter 3

Reaching Out

On Sunday, Yuki was out walking. He walked past his garden and toward to lake. Mrs. Honda was crying again. He knew she loved Kyo more than she loved him and he could except it. What he wouldn't allow was that cat hurting her. He had to find him and beat some sense into him.

He heard it. Softly. Heaving breaths. There he was. A red head by the lake. He saw the clear shining tears fall and his eyes widened. Kyo was crying again. Almost as much as Tohru cried. So the cat felt the pain as well, which meant he also loved Tohru. So why wouldn't he tell her? Why was he avoiding her? Yuki didn't understand.

Kyo cried there, in plain sight. Yuki didn't moved or make any sound. "Go away..." the cat cried. "Leave me alone." He said. At first, Yuki thought he'd sensed his presence. But that would be another puzzle. And as he turned to leave, the Neko punched the ground.

"It's not my fault. Shut up..." And he covered his head with his hands and looked like a child. Like a little boy in the middle of the bad boys play ground. Yuki had never seen this side of the boy. It surprised him almost as much as it made him want to cry, himself. But what would Shigure do with three crying housemates? Yuki turned and ran off silently. Leaving the teen to his nightmare.

He couldn't do anything anyway. They weren't helpful cousins. Right now he almost wished they were so he could do something. What had Kyo been crying about? Tohru was the answer. But who was he yelling at and why. As he entered the house again he knew what it was.

Kyo's mother. He remembered quite well the torture through which Kyo had gone through. He never much thought about it. He just assumed Kyo had gotten over it and grown up. If this had been an ordinary day Yuki would've thought Kyo was being a wimp and a baby. But how do you say that when two lovers are torn apart by a past they can not overcome.

He went to Tohru's room. She was still crying from earlier. He knocked and opened the door. She held back her tears at the sight of him.

"Oh.. Yuki." She said, trying to wipe them away. "Don't." Yuki sat beside her and pulled away her hands. "You've been crying a lot lately. Why?" He thought playing the helpful friend would do enough for her. Let her say what she wanted to and feel better.

"Oh Yuki.." she cried, hugging him and crying into his shoulder. "Did I do something wrong?" "No not at all." "Them why does Kyo seem to hate me? What did I do? I'll make it up to him. But how.. w.. when I don't know what I.. I did.." "Ms. Honda.." She wasn't crying anymore. She was letting out a few tears and sniffling. "I just don't know what to do Yuki..." She said and she pulled away. "I'm sorry.. I got your shirt all wet.." she looked at the floor. "It's alright." Yuki was smiling his helpful smile. "Are you better now, Mrs. Honda?" She nodded.

Yuki stood and walked to the door. "It seems you and the cat.... Aren't so different. You really belong together." Tohru looked at the rats back. She made a noise that said she was confused. He slightly turned his head. "It's the cat... I saw him... crying... just a little while ago.." Yuki seemed down a bit too. Like it was him that was seen crying. He left the room and walked to him own. Tohru's eyes shined with shed and unshed tears.

"Oh Kyo.." she breathed as a few tears escaped their prison. "Kyo.." She turned to look outside. "Where are you?" She held onto the window as though letting go meant life itself would crumble.


	4. Not Here

****

Chapter 4

Ok.. Monday meant school again. The day was almost over and Kyo couldn't wait. Kyo walked as one condemned. As though the world of bright colors had suddenly fallen gray. It was. So many tears had passed before his eyes that they had washed the color out of his sight. He knew if something was blue, yes, but why would he care? It didn't matter what color things were. If it's a blue pencil or a black one. They'll both write in gray. Gray...

His eyes hardly left the floor and it had been weeks since he'd tried to hit Yuki. He passed Arisa, Hana, and Tohru in the hall, with his bag over his shoulder and his other hand in his pocket, looking at the floor. Arisa (Uo) had a hand on Tohru's back, trying to make her brighten up. As Kyo passed, she noticed how his mood had been down for a while.

"Carrot Top seems down too. I wonder what bugging him. Have you two caught a cold?" Tohru shook her head slightly. "Come on Tohru. What's wrong? We don't wanna be left out like before." Uo begged. "True." Hana added. Tohru looked up, as though she just caught what her friend had said and she walked faster than she had in a while, to catch up with Kyo.

"Kyo..." she asked shyly as she came up to him. "Hmm..." Kyo avoided her eyes and she tried to make contact. "Kyo... I'm sorry." He stopped walking and for the first time in a month, made eye contact with Tohru Honda. "I've been crying a lot. And thinking a lot." She said, now she was the one avoiding his gaze. "If you think it's your fault, it's not." Kyo said, returning his gaze to the floor.

"But it is.. isn't it.." Tohru continued. "It's because of me that you were crying. Because of me that your in pain." She said as the final bell rang and students left. "And my fault for yours." Kyo reminded her. "Kyo.. I..." Kyo cut her off. Other students were in such a hurry to leave that the halls were already starting to empty. "It's old news. Don't bring it up. Any of it." Kyo's voice had been full of anger.

Tohru flinched. "Why?" She asked. Again making eye contact. "Why Kyo? Why have you been avoiding me and never looking me straight in the eyes, and never being around?" She asked a little more sternly than she probably intended. Kyo was take aback by her sudden outburst.

__

'Because I love you.' He wanted to say. But he remained quiet. He could see the hurt building in her eyes. _'She wants to say it. Not here. Even if I got over it... This is.. school. It isn't right.'_ He looked around._ 'But.. I don't know if I'm ready to hear those words... I don't...'_ He closed his eyes. "I don't... Know.." Kyo finally said. And with that he ran off. This time he went to the roof of Shigure's house. She could find him there. He just hoped she wasn't too broken to try. He could tell her here. He could... He was ready... He hoped so anyway.


	5. Loved and Hated Words

****

Chapter 5

Loved and Hated Words

"What's Carrot Top's deal? What'd you say to him anyway?" Arisa walked up to Tohru.

"Poor Kyo." Hana looked down the hall where'd he'd disappeared.

"Oh Hana." Tohru gave her friend a hug. "What do I do this time?" she asked. Her eyes had run out of tears so none fell on to the sleek black of her friends cloak. The electric witch gazed down sadly at her friend. She'd known for a while what Tohru's feeling for Kyo were.

"He's scared." She finally said, looking into the sky through the window. The clear blue sky that was too high for either the cat or the rice ball to reach. "He's lost." Tohru's eyes shined with tears that couldn't come. "You both are. And his skin reveals the shedding of tears. Tohru." She put a hand on her friend's shoulder.

The thug came over and smiled. "It's no secret ya know.. That you like him... at least, not from us. Go on. Try again girl. He's just one of those tough guys that can't show feel easily. Tell me, since when does Kyo-Kyo show adoration?" Hana stared at Uo. "What?" "You said 'adoration'." "So?" "Nothing."

As the two squabbled, Tohru had started home. "Oh Kyo.. I just hope you haven't left again.." she called to the feline.

**

* * *

**

Kyo heard her hurried footsteps a mile away. He was waiting. He wasn't laying out like usual, he was mostly hiding behind the upper level. As Tohru slowed to a stop in front of the house, she looked for Kyo on the roof. After first she didn't see him and her heart sank. If she didn't talk to him soon, her world would be turned gray too. Forever watching an old movie in black and white.

'Don't worry. My world isn't black and white. It's gray.' Kyo shifted positions wondering what to say to her. And she saw it. His orange hair. She smiled a little as she made her way up.

When she finally did, Kyo was out of it. His eyes seemed distant and his mouth was slightly open. "Kyo?" she asked, her hand resting on his shoulder. "Huh?" he noticed her and tried to back up but only hit the wall. "Kyo. Please.. don't run... talk to me.." Tohru's eyes threatened to cry.

Kyo relaxed his muscles. He looked at his foot for a minute. "Please?" Tohru asked again. Kyo shut his eyes tight. What could he say. He knew what he wanted to say. But...

"I kept telling myself.... 'I don't wanna see her. I don't wanna think about it. Anyway of it.' " Kyo said, looking toward the forest.

Tohru looked into the eyes of her neko._ 'For the sake of the girl who one day tell you she loves you, don't run away. Keep training.'_ 'Hmph. Like anyone would ever tell ME that.' _And if someone did?' _'I guess I'd ask her is she had brain damage.' Kyo's eyes raised up and met with Tohru's.

"Tohru.. I..." Kyo stuttered to say it. "Kyo.. I really Like you.. A lot! Really.. I love you. I've always loved you. From before I met you. I've always loved the cat. But it's more than that. I Really Love you Kyo." Tohru seemed sad as she said it, like she was prepared for rejection.

Kyo's eyes were wide as he looked down. His breathing was soft but slightly ragged. Like he was in pain. If Tohru could hear his breaths she'd think his lungs were bursting. Kyo heard his mother. Her voice.. He felt like screaming. But her voice was drowned out.

'Actually, I really like you Kyo. I've always loved the cat from the zodiac.' 'I love you. I've always loved you. I really love you Kyo.' Kyo put down the hands that were going to cover his ears. "Tohru.." he breathed.

The rice ball looked up. The neko's voice seemed so surprised. She looked up to his smiling face. He was still looking down. He made a smirking sound. "Tohru.." He raised his eyes to hers again.

"I... really love you too.." He half smirked, half smiled at her and he sat a hand on her head. "Life really has... a lot of color.." He grinned, his eyes closed. "Ya.." Tohru was smiling again. A real smile. Not the fake ones she used to cover herself up, but a real true blue smile.

Color. The roof, the trees, her shoes, his hair. It was colored. The color was back. The world was wide and beautiful again. And suddenly the sky wasn't so high. Like standing up meant you could touch it. Kyo's heart soared and he felt like he'd regained his strength and energy.

"You know what.. I feel so great.." Kyo said, jumping off the roof. "I think I could..." Tohru looked at him. She heard some talking and things breaking. She looked down solemnly from the roof for five minutes. Was Kyo fighting Yuki again? Would he suddenly come flying out of the door like usual? Tohru put a hand to her mouth as someone flew across the lawn with the door.

"Oh.. I..." She heard Kyo say. He was standing where the door had come off. Yuki was rubbing his chin. "I.. did it? YA! I DID IT! I FINALLY BEAT...." Yuki came up and squared him in the chin, basically switching places. "I guess... I should talk less.." Kyo said. But he was smiling up at Tohru. She giggled and waved down to him.

Though they weren't the perfect couple yet, and they couldn't hug, they really were closer. The world was a much better place in both lovers eyes. Suddenly the world was more splendid than they'd ever seen it. And they weren't even looking at it. They only saw each others eyes.

A few days passed and everyday, before bed, Tohru told Kyo she loved him. And while Kyo lay awake on his covers, he confronted what had happened to him. He didn't have any more nightmares and his mother didn't bother him any more, even when he heard her say 'I love you.'. Because someone loved him more. And no matter how many times Tohru would say it in this life time... Kyo... really didn't hate those words anymore. In fact... He loved them.

"I love you."


End file.
